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Some things I should probably explain about myself/rules of which I live by in my own small world however are not realistic.

• I am a hopeless romantic. And every guy I meet I instantly ‘size him up’ and see if he’s my future husband material and if it’s a win.. I do a YIPPEE on the inside and cling on.
• For some reason I am uptight. Not a have to have the expensive Louis bag and my Tiffany platinum earrings and Chinese Laundry shoes. More of the… I look good and can’t imagine what it would be like to be ugly uptight. Even though my best friend is obese and I love her.. I’m special don’t worry =]
• I’m currently 6 months pregnant.. I know it was a surprise to me. This is what inspired me to do my blog because the notions on how I became and the finding out and the HORRIBLE turns in life that I do no understand how and why they happened to me.
• I like to be center of attention but I don’t do a whole lot for myself because I love to help people. I’m a walking contradictory and I can’t quite get a grip on who I am exactly.

• I always said I don’t believe in religion.. Due to the fact of the people IN the religion however I’m slightly becoming someone new and I just may have turned my ways. But we’ll figure that one out.

So let’s start on 6 months ago; I had a gorgeous ‘boyfriend’/thing. He was my first black guy and I was lusted all over him since I had met him. We were together for 7 months. It was never love it was me loving the way he looked and his perfect body and the perfect sex game that any plain white girl could ever as for. The plain white girl being me. I am a little plain well laid back even though I love my dresses, make up and parties. But back in October I myself was raped. By someone I know; a ‘friend.’ I never told anyone and I started my period afterward as usual so I didn’t see the use in telling anyone and went on with Hot Stuff as usual. I toned down my partying a bit and focused on working him and continuing with my smoking and drinking with only close friends.

In my midst of working I met this unexpected Puerto Rican lover. Which ended my chapter with Hot Stuff from above.  While dating this Latin Heat I fell in LOVE. I thought he was the one if you know what I mean. I was head over heals for this boy. We practically lived with me in my apartment and we went shopping together for food and everything. But then I got sick, I went to the ER because I was coughing up bloody mucus and thus found out I was 4 months pregnant with a boy due to my rape. I was devastated and I told him as soon as I found out. He then left. I went to stay with my mom for a week and when I came back to my apartment he told me that he wanted to be with me and raise this baby with me. And I then was complete with life. I was so happy to have met him and for my life to go in the positive direction. But then he decided that’s not what he really wants and left. After he left I got fired from my job and my mom made me move in with my grandparents because I was living in a party atmosphere that she didn’t want her grandchild in.

So here I am. Living with my grandparents 6 months pregnant broken heart and devastated. I think about my Latin Heat more than anything else and how much I hate life and the way things happen. And how I have the epitome of bad luck.. or even karma. However I doubt that it’s karma I try to keep that in check. Such as if I borrow something at walmart for my own personal use but not from my own personal pocket and it just happens to be Christmas time I always give money that I could’ve used (but I’m just borrowing it and there isn’t a rental fee there I checked.) I give that money to the Salvation Army guys cause I feel so awful for them having to stand out there ringing a bell at the bluery pits of hell called Walmart. -Which I have another story regarding karma and why I should have it good. Right before I had to move to my grandparents I had to do a quick run there to buy some plastic storage boxes.  So I parked got out and a little boy came to my window asking for spare change for his family for gas. Feeling awful I give him a 5. So I pay leave get home and start putting things away and I realize I bought the wrong size lids for my boxes… Go figure right? So I go back and try to return my lids. Same routine park, get out and  that little kid comes out asking again. Damn you got me suckered at this point I know he has more than enough money for gas and I give him yet another 5 because all I had were 20’s. A true damnit situation. So then I’m thinking maybe it’s for a gang or even drugs and I instantly get this motherly protection which I can now have because I am pregnant and have that right. And I am in Orlando both of those things are possible. I got suckered by a little kid because he did the same thing to me the very next day. So I know I have good karma at this very second.- Back to myself though I have been absolutely distraught by my Latin Heat feeling horrible about myself  late at night crying and on Facebook thinking about my life and where it was and where I am now. He pops up in my feed. He posted ‘I love your face’ on one of my friends’ wall. I am instantly upset and furious. She didn’t know anything about him because I never introduced them. It’s the simple fact that we had only been broken up a few weeks and has already moved on and to one of my friends. My eyes instantly welted up and I texted my two best friends about hating my life and why this HAS to happen to me.

And thats when I stop and think… Why do things never happen the way you expect them to? Why do things have to always get complicated and why does life throw curveballs at you that you never expect to have. Here I am going to have a little boy in my life mid July and I don’t even know how to take care of myself. I can’t even soothe myself. When I saw him pop into my feed I emailed my mom saying why do men suck and will I ever just be enough for someone? And that’s something I think every women fear. Will you ever truely be enough for someone. Whether it’s for your spouse, parent, child, hell even maybe your pets. All I want in my life is to be happy. And now my happiness is going to be making sure my child is happy. I’m barely an adult and I am having a child with a man that I did not even choose to sleep with. I am utterly alone in my feelings. And the only sense of sanity I have is my thoughts and my unborn son. My friends are out having the time of their lives and I’m living with an elderly couple in a house with plants and antiques and a little small town. And I wonder why I have been choosen to live this life. Why did this happen to me? Well thats the million dollar answer. But now I have a fresh start with baby shopping and my grandparents. Which by the way my grandpa was raised in Germany and insists that my baby is named Ludwig. However I like helmet better.